Fat, fat, fat
I hate body image issues. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing fat me. He’s always in there. Sometimes he hides from other people, but never from me. He’s constantly reminding me about where the snacks are. About the ice cream in the freezer. About how good the kids’ snacks would taste.
He wants out.
Some days it’s all I can do to ignore him, and some days (like the past 3) I haven’t been able to.
Stupid.
I can’t stand how much power food has over me. I can’t stand how easy it is to slip back into my old ways. I can’t stand how, when someone compliments me, I think to myself (and sometimes say) “yeah, but you haven’t seen my roll of loose skin” or “that’s because I’m wearing clothes to hide my fat.”
I wish there were an easy answer.
))…
Oh, Bill. We’re all there. We all have that fat person trying to get out. Like Jillian said on Losing It, we have to let them go. I just have no idea where to start or how to get that fat kid to leave me the hell alone.
*sigh* I guess I’m just trying to tell you that it’s *normal* and we’re all suffering. We’re here with you.
You’re really doing a fabulous job and are an inspiration to me.
Maybe it’s time to redirect the battle a little. You’ve spent a lot of effort making progress on your body, and maybe some attention should be spent retraining your mind. Fitness and nutrition are old hat to you, but you also deserve to recognize the strong, slender, accomplished, inspirational man that you are. Everyone (fat or skinny or ugly or gorgeous) has crappy self-image days every so often, even while obeying diet and exercise regimens religiously, so it’s important to learn ways to run damage control on your thoughts. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come, focus on the good things you’re doing, learn from any missteps, and stop beating yourself up.
(Or, as Dr. Phillian would say, “Don’t ignore your inner fat man – recognize him, forgive him, and move on.” The stuff you ignore has power over you. Face it and beat it into submission instead.)
Failing all that, *great big hug*.
Echh, I have been feeling the same for over a week now. I’ve regained 4 lbs (2 while in NYC and being wined & dined. Totally fine.) But the other two are from SINCE I got home. SINCE I got back to my oatmeal & lean cuisines, exercise tapes and running shoes. Instead of going for a run on Sunday, I sat on the couch and watched bad reality TV and ATE COOKIE DOUGH. WHAT THE POOP.
Need a good slap in the face. Or a Jillian for a few days. I’ve lost the first 25…just need to keep going. Echhh.
I have sometimes read your posts/tweets/whatnots and thought it seems that there is the “good you” who foregoes snacks and eats really well and exercises like a banshee. And there is the “bad you” who eats treats & doesn’t exercise as much.
Here’s to just “you”—the guy who may eat too much one day but is just human and will live another day to make better choices. The guy who can tell his brain to suck it when it feeds him negative thoughts. And the guys who can have a kids’ snack and realize they kind of suck and aren’t worth it. ; )
You have been SUCH a huge inspiration to me and many, many others. None of us care if you’ve achieved 6-pack abs; we’re just thrilled to know you are out there moving, trying to be healthy, and taking us along on your journey. Hopefully a long, long journey since I don’t think it ever really ends, does it?
I echo what Christina AND Erica said here, along with a huge hug for an inspiring dude who is nothing but awesome & thin, in my eyes any way.
Well, now that just goes to show.
Honestly, even knowing that you’ve gone through the experience of putting weight on and taking it back off, when I met you all I saw was this tall, slim, super-athletic dude. And yet, the inner fat man is still there, and I’m not sure I ever would have guessed that.
I’m right there with you. There is so much baggage and self-loathing involved in our weight struggles, isn’t there? For as much as I appreciate when people compliment my weight loss, I want to smack the crap out of them when they say “you look great!” I don’t. By no standards do I look “great.” “Better than last summer?” Sure. But this ain’t great.
And then there’s the food. Oh lordy, the food. I wish I knew what to do to make the good habits stick. I’m good for a while, and then they sneak right back in. And I find I eat almost in anger, almost to spite… myself? That’s all kinds of messed up, right there.
I don’t have the easy answer, and I suspect there isn’t one or at least one of us would have discovered it by now. This sucks. I am to the point of considering therapy to deal with my underlying food issues, or hell, I’ve heard good things about hypnosis!
Oof.
Hang in there, brother. You are far, FAR from alone.
Thanks everyone. Today’s going a bit better than the last few, mostly because of these comments. How weird is it that that can help?
Even when I was a size 4, at 5’8″, all I could see was cellulite and jiggle. I was wastrel. It didn’t even look nice (which I can see NOW, in pictures, almost 3 years later) but still, all I saw was fat.
I’d love to give you answers, but I’m too much in it with you. Stupid broken brains.
You are awesome in so many ways, Bill.
You look so thin to me, and yet when I saw your driver’s license picture, I understood. That man is a different man, but he’s also you. Your outside is thin – and it was earned through more work than many of us put in – but I understand from reading your posts here, at Shredheads, and at other sites how you are struggling. (There was that post from some thin woman about how the fat folks just don’t try, and I was stunned by your articulate way of explaining how it isn’t as easy as she made it out to be. I remember your comment often because it was very true, very logical, and not incendiary.)
I really do wish there was an easy answer. And it is frustrating to see someone so committed like you having these concerns, because we’d naively believe that your level of hard work would somehow break through the past.
I’m glad people are commenting here to show their support, because I do think it helps to know that we’re all in this together and that many of us use you as an inspiration. You are hugely important to our own journeys, and part of that is because you are a real guy, not one of those folks who just “decides” that it is time to lose weight and *POOF!*
Print out the picture of all of us holding up our Shredheads shirts right before the Tiarathon and stick it on your fridge and your cupboard. We’re there to support you.
i remember the convo we had after the Princess Half where you share some of this. somehow seeing it here in black and white i find myself getting it at last…yes, i’m a little slow. you have and are doing a great job but i appreciate that which you now struggle with. it’s hard to make that man in the mirror reflect what we all see. i’m glad that you are aware of the distrotion.
great post!
You are such an inspiration to so many of us! I love seeing the new info on the Shredheads site and to also know that you’re HUMAN. I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying. We hear time and again that we are our own worst critic – and I try and think about saying to myself what I would say to others. I would never tell a friend he/she was fat! And I would never let a friend put him/herself down for seeing a minor gain on the scale. And yet… When I looked at the photos from my 1/2 Marathon last weekend was I thinking – wow, that’s great that I am able to run 13.1 miles? Nope, I was looking at my legs and thinking how gross they look… Where the heck does a thought like that even come from? And how do I get rid of it?!? So yeah, still working on reframing my thoughts…